


Not Like Others

by Octoberain



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 00line, Friendship, Light Angst, M/M, insecure renjun, noren is sweet too omg, renhyuck was my fav here, renmin if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 19:51:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18947683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Octoberain/pseuds/Octoberain
Summary: Renjun understands he's not like them, but sometimes he wonders...why can't he be?





	Not Like Others

**Author's Note:**

> I just want Renjun to be happy T^T

Renjun’s gaze lands on a graffiti just outside the school wall: _Everybody is special. You only have to see it!_  
  
Renjun blinks. _That's cute_. The school used to paint over it, but someone must have been really adamant on vandalizing that wall that the next day the same phrase appeared there. They kept spray painting that spot over and over again, with the same phrase, over and over again. The school eventually gave up trying to cover it, saying it’s a positive message anyway. Rumors say they’re still trying to find out who’s responsible, but so far, no one has been caught. Renjun wonders if it’s a student from their school. He wonders if they really mean it. He wants to ask them if they really believe it.  
  
_It’s a faulty sentiment_. Renjun wants to say to them. They may not have realized it yet but not everyone is special. For one, Renjun realized quite early in his life that he’s very much, quite _ordinary_. If everyone is special, then he is not like everyone. He knows this and accepts it. He’s not like the others.  
  
Renjun really tries his best though. He works really hard. Everybody seems to say so too. Although they just mean all he does _is_ hard work. Laboured. Forced. Struggled. But still, he works hard. Because if he's not special, at least he'll work hard to make up for it.  
  
Renjun is not like everybody. He _has_ to work harder than everybody else.

  
  
*

  
  
He sees Jeno. The boy walks along with the rest of the student council members occupying the stage to lead the student assembly. Despite being one of the youngest in the group, Jeno has proven he belongs to stand with them. When called to the podium, Jeno takes center stage. They let Jeno announce the changes in the annual school marathon charity event that year, they're opening it to other schools for participation. It was Jeno’s idea, he told Renjun about it.  
  
“Thank you,” he concludes his speech. A roar of applause follows, everyone is excited. Speaking in front of a crowd, Jeno is a natural. Renjun beams with pride as he claps along with the hundreds of students around him. Jeno has a way of getting his ideas across in the simplest of manners. No need for flowery words or big gestures. He comes as himself and people accept him.  
  
“How did I do?” Jeno approaches after he comes down from the stage and the assembly over.  
  
Renjun fixes a stray hair on Jeno’s forehead, “You did great! The marathon sounds amazing already.” They both grin with excitement.

  
  
Renjun does public speaking too, albeit in class and not as good. He knows he looks timid in front. Jisung says he just needs to look more into his audience’s eyes.  
  
“Renjunnie, have you ever thought of joining the debate team?” Jeno comes up behind him at the hallway after their public speaking class, “Your points were so well thought out and well said too, I think they’ll like you there.” But Renjun knows he lacks so much when he speaks in front of strangers.

So Renjun works a little bit harder. The next time he talks in front of class, he speaks a little bit louder. He likes to think they're actually listening.

  
  
Renjun likes that Jeno is easy to get along with, the easiest one among his friends he thinks. He also likes the fact that despite making fun of each other the most, they are each other's best listener. They don’t even have to talk all the time. Knowing looks and easy touches can be enough for their messages to be passed, that even in silence, their sentiments can be relayed to each other. Jeno calls him his lightning in a bottle. Renjun calls him just his softer half.

Renjun doesn’t feel embarrassed to tell Jeno his most random and most quirky thoughts. Jeno has known him the longest since moving to Korea, if there’s someone who has long accepted Renjun’s weird side, it would be his first friend Jeno. He lets Renjun tell him his fascinations and just goes along with his ideas or whatever the older's mind seems to come up with.

  
“When I think of the number four, I think of the color green,” Renjun quips out of the blue.  
  
Jeno looks up from his phone and rubs his chin stroking an imaginary beard, “How about the number seven?”  
  
“Sky blue, definitely sky blue.”

  
  
Jeno has a pull that people easily respond to. He’s a natural leader. It’s easy to follow him, Renjun thinks. Jeno is calm and grounded. He’s wise beyond his years that even more senior students would casually consult him or ask him for his opinion. Silent and quite cautious, Jeno doesn’t like drawing unnecessary attention to himself, but when he enters a room, admiring eyes immediately follow him. Jeno watches his step instead, expression not betraying his thoughts. Renjun wonders if he notices or not. Jeno can be unassuming like that.  
  
“Hey, you read the lesson material for today?” is how Renjun greets him in class.  
  
Jeno pulls out his chair and sits, “Please stop me if I start saying nonsense if Ms. Cho calls me.”  
  
He won’t, Renjun knows. Jeno is one of the smartest people he knows. Jeno may seem shy at times but he carries this quiet confidence that Renjun can’t help but be confident in him too. _Capable_. Jeno is capable and reliable.  
  
“Because I’m seriously just going to wing it,” Jeno smiles that makes his eyes turn into a crescent. Renjun raises his eyebrows at him and Jeno laughs in amusement.

  
  
Renjun looks at Jeno and feels he can never be that good. But he tries. Renjun thinks he should practice his public speaking more.

  
  
*

 

He hears Donghyuck. Even among a group of talented singers in the glee club, Donghyuck stands out with his unique voice, but he also makes singing seem so easy. _As it should_ , Renjun thinks, and no one does it as easily as Donghyuck. Renjun‘s chest swells with pride. He can recognize Donghyuck’s voice among the choir and can hear him clearly.  
  
Renjun sang with Donghyuck before. Donghyuck likes to ask Renjun to practice with him especially when they have performances coming up. He says no one sings with him better than the older. But Renjun listens to himself and thinks he has a lisp when singing. Chenle says it’s the lingual braces.  
  
“We sound like fucking angels!” Donghyuck exclaims too loudly at the cafeteria, “I’m kicking people out for a spot for you to join us, I swear.” But Renjun knows he lacks so much when he hears his own voice.

So Renjun works a little bit harder. The next time they sing together, he sings a little bit softer. He likes to think it’s to compliment Hyuck’s voice.

  
  
Renjun likes that the golden boy has a sense of humor, the best one among his friends he thinks. He likes the fact that they both laugh the hardest with each others’ jokes. Donghyuck makes everyone laugh but Renjun can make him laugh _real_ hard. He also likes the fact that they are never afraid to make fun of each other and come after each other the hardest. A good banter is never ignored, feeding off of each other's moods, witty quips, and energy. Donghyuck calls him his soulmate. Renjun calls him his brighter side.  
  
“Isn’t this breeze is so nice?” Donghyuck inhales in a deep breath as they walk through the gates of the school. “Oh I’m sorry, Renjun, I forgot the air’s a bit different down there.”  
  
“Oh, it is, it’s a little less polluted than up there with your breath and all.”  
  
“Renjun-ah,” Donghyuck scoffs and slings an around Renjun’s shoulders. “My mornings will be so boring without you.”

  
  
Donghyuck is not as boisterous as some people may think. He’s just unapologetically himself and has a flair for the dramatics. Renjun thinks he’s a good storyteller. Coupled with voice imitations and expressive facial expressions, Donghyuck loves to share anything and everything he thinks is interesting.  
  
“And he said ‘Isn’t it suppose to be _IS_ love?’” Donghyuck rubs his temple, “I almost lost my mind!”  
  
Renjun laughs loudly, the only kind he knows how. Donghyuck continues his story, “And then I said, HERE IS KOREA MAN! That shut him up!”  
  
He’s a genius, Renjun knows. Not the scholarly kind that most people would think of first when he says genius. Yes, Donghyuck does well in school when he chooses to put in the hours, but his genius lies in his quick wit, his ability to adapt in a snap and improvise, all wrapped in an air of casualness. _Effortless_. Renjun thinks he is the most effortless person he has ever met. Renjun calls him the golden boy. Donghyuck never tries too hard with anything he does, he just does what he does and does everything well.

  
  
Renjun listens to Donghyuck and feels he can never be that good. But he tries. Renjun thinks he should practice his singing more.

 

*

 

Jaemin. Renjun realized when he met Jaemin that there are things he can’t work for no matter how hard he tries. Some things come naturally to people and with Jaemin, he’s born with a lot of things that Renjun realized he can only admire, not attain.

He watches the pink hair boy and he knows Jaemin likes to keep many things to himself. He’s a walking puzzle and people around him want to figure out. Renjun sighs. No one can figure out Jaemin. He is mysterious and he likes to keep it that way. The younger boy smiles warmly at him. Renjun thinks the boy must be having another good day. He wants to ask Jaemin about it, maybe this time he’ll tell Renjun.

 

Renjun likes to watch Jaemin play. He likes to invite Renjun to watch practice even when volleyball practices are usually closed. Jungwoo, the senior middle blocker, lets him come anyway. He says it’s closed for others.  
  
“You’re his favorite,” Jungwoo shrugs when Renjun asks why they let him watch, “I don’t know if he notices but he plays better when you’re around.”  
  
“Who plays better?” Jaemin appears and sets his water bottle down beside Renjun.  
  
Jungwoo flashes a smile at Jaemin, “Me! Isn’t Renjunnie the cutest?” Jungwoo winks at Renjun and jogs to the court.  
  
“Stay away from Jungwoo-hyung, Injunnie,” Jaemin squints at the skipping Jungwoo, “I trust him but I don’t trust him.”  
  
“Half the things you say don’t make sense, Na Jaemin,” Renjun says. Jaemin makes teasing noises and exaggerates a face at him. Renjun instinctively lunges towards him to hit him but Jaemin quickly slips by him, laughing as he runs to the court.

 

Renjun watches Jaemin play. He moves so light and agile as he chases a badly received ball to set it up for his spikers. Renjun thinks Jaemin is a good digger. He thinks if being a setter doesn’t work out, he should switch to being a libero.  
  
“I’m too big to be a libero though,” Jaemin would say, “Besides you’re the better receiver between us anyway.”  
  
“If you keep saying that out loud, people will really believe it.” Renjun used to play a little volleyball, but definitely not as good as Jaemin makes him sound to be. Nonetheless, there’s no lack of requests from Jaemin for Renjun to join the team.  
  
“It’s the truth, you pass me the ball a hundred times better than these doofuses,” Jaemin pouts, “I have to chase the ball eight out of ten times just to set it up, it’s frustrating!”  
  
But Jaemin never looks frustrated. Renjun thinks Jaemin has nerves of steal. When they have a game against another school, a calm Jaemin is on full display while a visibly anxious Renjun watches from the bleachers.

 

Jaemin glances at the crowd and spots Renjun and smiles. Renjun smiles back at Jaemin and feels he can never be that good. But he tries.

 

*

 

Insecuritiy. Renjun is aware of the pitfall of being surrounded by people so talented, so good in what they do— it can breed an inferiority complex. But more so than feeling inferior, Renjun just feels ordinary. _I’m a poster child for average_ , he thinks.  
  
Renjun is just decent.  
  
Decent voice, decent personality, decent looks. No matter how hard he works, he just comes off as ordinary, average at best.  
  
“Renjun-ah,” someone calls out behind him as he sat in the study hall.  
  
“Mark-hyung?” Renjun is a little surprised but soon smiles warily as Mark approaches him. “I didn’t expect seeing you here.”  
  
“I was just about to leave,” Mark, the hyung he admires the most, says softly, “Hey, you look tired.”  
  
He was. He’s exhausted partly because of the lack of rest. Admittedly, he hasn't gotten enough sleep at home lately. School work has piled up to a stressful amount. He was swamped. But he knows the tiredness was also partly because of his mind drifting to its dark corners that in most days stayed untouched, unbothered, but lately, it’s been leaking to his conscious thoughts more.  
  
He doesn’t like it. And he’s afraid it’s showing. He’s aware he wears his heart on his sleeve, he’s been told as much. People can easily tell what he’s feeling. But he’s also been told that it's hard to figure out what‘s on his mind. And he takes pride in that. At least with his thoughts, he’s confident he’s not obvious at all. But lately, maybe not anymore.  
  
“I am,” Renjun says truthfully.  
  
Mark frowns a little and sits down in the chair in front of Renjun, “Did something happened? Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
Renjun wonders if it warrants as something worth talking about. These thoughts he’s been having were not new to him. Renjun has long accepted his averageness. Most of the time, he’s okay with it. He understands that he’s just not the best in the things he loves to do. He sees other people be so talented and good, and he knows and accepts the reality, but sometimes, it just gets the better of him. Why can't he be like them? He hates how he can never be that person people will think of when it comes to something— anything. He hates how it sounded so petty in his mind. What more when said aloud?  
  
“Do you ever feel ordinary, hyung?”  
  
Mark looked visibly taken aback a bit for a moment but soon stares in contemplation.  
  
“A lot of times,” Mark chuckles to himself, "Actually, most of the time."  
  
“You do?” Renjun couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to have this conversation with Mark. Mark is _special_. He’s not ordinary, never average.  
  
“Feeling ordinary is normal. But I don’t think I’ve met anyone who’s ordinary.”  
  
Now Renjun was truly baffled with what Mark was saying, “What do you mean?”  
  
“It’s just– I’ve never met anyone who’s ordinary. No one’s ordinary I think. I may see myself as ordinary, but to others I may not be, ya know?”  
  
Renjun furrows his eyebrows in thought.  
  
“It’s not finding validation from other people, I don’t mean that at all. Fuck what others think right? But I think sometimes we’re just too hard on ourselves, we don’t see ourselves for what we are or can be.”  
  
Renjun is tired but he smiles faintly. He’s tired of working so hard but he realizes that if anyone works the hardest, it’s Mark. More than anyone else, Mark puts in so much work in everything he does. And what Mark does is a lot. Renjun wonders how he can juggle club after club, extracurricular activity after another, and still maintain his grades, social life, and sanity intact. But when he looks at Mark, he doesn’t see a tired person at all. What he sees is his passion and dedication and hunger to be better for himself.  
  
“Your ‘ordinary’ is someone else’s extraordinary,” Mark continues when Renjun remained silent, “So it’s okay to be ordinary because no one really is.”  
  
Renjun nods. His smile a little bit wider, a lot more genuine.  
  
“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Mark says.  
  
_If one repeatedly chafe delicate thread on a rough stone, it will leave its mark on it._  
  
Renjun is reminded of that saying when he looks at Mark.  
  
“You’ve worked hard, hyung.”  
  
Mark smiles at Renjun, “You too, Renjun-ah.”

 

*

 

Renjun is not like the others. He looks at his friends huddled around a table in the cafeteria. Donghyuck is telling a story and Jeno can’t stop laughing. Someone taps Jaemin’s shoulder and wishes him luck for his next game. Renjun smiles wistfully, noting how he liked this picture. He’s proud of his friends. More than the brains, the good looks, and the popularity, they’re good and decent people, Renjun think that's what makes them cool. They work hard too.  
  
Renjun is not like them at all. And that maybe, he figures, is okay. He isn’t the very best at many things, he might not even be good at all compared to many other people, but it’s okay. He doesn’t need to be. He doesn’t need to be like them at all.  
  
“You look happy,” Yangyang offers him a wide grin as they wait in line at the cafeteria food counter. Renjun thinks the boy must have basked in sunshine to be this radiant.  
  
“They say it’s my best look.”  
  
Yangyang nods in approval. Renjun then just grins at the mischievous boy.

  
  
Renjun works hard like everybody else. And most of the time, he must work harder than everybody else. Nothing comes easy, he figures, but it’s okay. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t look as effortless, as confident, or as natural like the others. It doesn’t matter that he looks like he’s trying really hard, because he is. And it’s okay.  
  
Maybe his hard work will all be in vain. But maybe, it won’t. Maybe all his efforts won’t bring any results. But maybe, it will.

  
  
His gaze falls on the graffiti again.  
  
_Everybody is special. You only have to see it!_  
  
Renjun wants to meet the people who painted it. He still wonders if it’s a student from their school. He wonders if they really mean it. Maybe, he supposes, he’ll ask them a different question now.

**Author's Note:**

> This was born out of my angst when I see Renjun's current situation T^T
> 
> I wanted to write each boy in Renjun's perspective in parallel. I did that with Jeno and Haechan's, but when I got to Jaemin's it just flowed like that and I liked it.
> 
> While writing this, I realized I used “decent” in two different instances. The first one, when fic!Renjun thinks he’s just decent (average). And the other when he thinks his friends are decent (good). And I found that interesting, how a word can describe two different things. It can mean two different things. Much like how fic!Renjun thinks of himself one thing, and people around him treat him differently from what he thinks. Just a thought~
> 
> Find me at [twitter](https://twitter.com/myoctoberain) ♥


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